My husband and I use to live on acreage and have animals that we cared for. We had horses, a miniature donkey, cats, and a dog. When we ended up moving we chose to live in a garden home because of his health and we ended up petless. After living there a relatively short time we began to miss the animals. It was while I was in that frame of mind that I began to innocently look at posts on social media about French Bulldogs. I could hear the words of my wise former pastor saying “Your life will move in the direction of your strongest thoughts.” I kept on looking at these posts until eventually I ended up about 100 miles from my home at a breeder’s home picking out the cutest little puppy. I named him Little Napoleon and called him Nappy.
I found out things about the breed as I began to train him. They are notoriously stubborn. He flexed when he got an attitude. If he didn’t want to do something he just laid down and became dead weight. He was very gentle with little people. He would definitely try my patience, but at the end of the day he was adorable. Nappy comforted me through some very hard times. When my husband died two years ago he was with me. When I tried to figure out where to live he went with me. Nappy and I moved from Louisiana, to Alabama, to Oklahoma then back to Alabama in a little under a year. I would cram everything that wasn’t in storage in my car and Nappy would sit in the passenger seat. When I finally settled in my home a year ago he was my little companion and great company. When I would leave the house and come back he was waiting for me. He loved bananas, blueberries, strawberries and the last bite of whatever I was eating.
On New Years Eve, 2023 I noticed he wasn’t feeling well. I thought maybe he had pancreatitis. I called the emergency vet around noon and they told me what to look for before bringing him in. He never exhibited any of the symptoms. Around 6 that evening I couldn’t stand the thought of him suffering any longer so I scooped him up and put him the passenger seat of my car. Somewhere between my home and the vets office my sweet Nappy died. I had my hand on his shoulder the whole time. It was dark and I wasn’t sure if he was still alive until I was almost to the vets office.
I had burning questions. The first question I had was directed to the vet. What happened that caused my sweet Nappy to die? The people at the vets office said they really doubted it was pancreatitis. Nappy had a heart murmur, but they didn’t think that was the answer either. The second question I had was to God. I asked Him why he would take my sweet Nappy from me. As a widow now for two years, I am still trying to figure out who I am. I use to have a family that I took care of. I was Hall’s wife and Brady’s mother. I can’t do that anymore. That God given assignment is over. Nappy was a living creature that I could take care of and love. I would see him everyday. I lived with him. We would take walks together. He would sit in my lap as we watched tv.
I’ve found that if I have hard questions and I reverently ask God about it, He speaks to me from deep within. I’m so thankful for that. Here is what I’m learning. When you suffer a loss, knowing why doesn’t change the fact they are gone. You still have to grieve it. I will still cry at unexpected times. I will still miss and long for him. That is entirely appropriate. Something would be wrong with me if I didn’t. So even if the vet could tell me the reason Nappy died, it wouldn’t change the fact that he’s gone.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I keep referring to Nappy as “mine” i.e. “My Nappy”. It’s a habit we all have. We say my mother, my father, my sister, my brother, my kids, my bed, my car, my house; need I go on? We say it so much we really start to believe these people, animals and possessions belong to us. I love the truth I find in Psalm 50:10-11 that says “Every animal of the forest is mine, and the cattle on a thousand hills. I know every bird in the mountains and the insects in the fields are mine.” I almost forgot Nappy wasn’t truly mine. Actually Nappy belonged to God. Wasn’t God good to let me take care of him for six years. Wasn’t God good to let me enjoy his creation up close. Wasn’t God good to allow me to observe amazing dog behaviors. Wasn’t our Creator so wonderfully imaginative when He thought up dogs. Isn’t God so good to us to let us enjoy dogs. Nappy was a beautiful little creature God made and He allowed me to steward his creation for six years. I’m so grateful.
I hope by writing this you’ll gain perspective and be able to use my insights to help you as you navigate your life.
talkswithteresa 